I was recently reading the book "What Made Maddy Run" by Kate Fagan. Madison Holleran was a successful high school runner and soccer player. She loved soccer and looked forward to playing soccer at college. A few colleges were seeking and recruiting runners, schools she couldn't afford. She drew their attention when she posted a fast 800 meter time in winning the New Jersey State Championship Title. Lured to an Ivy League school, Maddy would join Penn University. The pressure increased dramatically for good performances. Maddy tried to study hard, compete, work out on a high level, and gain friends in her new environment. This was a huge change of stress.
Running at Penn University
Maddy trained hard every day for herself and her team. She threw herself into a hectic schedule. It was far different from the high school level she was use to. There were drastic changes. Instead of running track against seven others, she was now running cross country, doing six kilometers against a hundred competitors. That kind of crowd at the start line sparks a mad dash to get ahead.
In October, Maddy finished 104th out of a field of 400. In November, Maddy would finish in 44th of 100 racers. At the finish, Maddy collapsed. She was completely drained. Later, at home Maddy would say, "Mom, I'm just not happy. I'm not right. Something is not right." By Christmas break, Maddy's family could see she was profoundly depressed.
Suffering depression, she announced she was quitting the running team. She texted two of her friends. "I just don't like (track) at all anymore." And later that day, "I may quit track." Her friend replied, "You would be a non athlete regular person(?)"
There was a side of Maddy that her friends saw in her life as well as her training. Maddy did have a love of soccer. She would go home after practice and run. It gave her a sense of freedom. Her friends help us see how intense Maddy could be. "At the gym, Madison would push herself harder than anyone else." Another said, "She wasn't okay with being good, ever. Good was not good enough." A high school friend recollects, "She just put too much pressure on herself."
The Heavy Toll
A letter in her computer had this to say, "I've had difficulty sleeping, concentration, making decisions, studying, and just overall have not been feeling like myself." She added, "The running over the past couple months has taken a huge toll on me mentally, emotionally, and physically." It appears to be a draft of the letter she would read to her coach at Penn.
"How did I end up being as overall unhappy as I have been for the past four months. I'm really not ready to compete. I feel like I've dug myself so deep...and right now, there isn't any coming back. Before I was confident, focused, motivated, silly and happy girl. Sports defined me. But it hasn't brought me happiness here. The only thing I really want is a break. I strongly believe that it (competing) isn't the right choice for me."
She also mentions reading a book by Denton. It tells the story of an athlete she seems to identify with. Some underlined text reads as follows: "His outlook would begin to darken. He was getting very, very tired. Accumulation of steady mileage began to take its toll. He never quite recovered fully between workouts. He found himself in a constant state of fatigue-depression."
The coach, knowing her talent, pressured her to continue, with some modifications. We can only imagine the pressure to compete for a college whose purpose in recruiting Maddy was to benefit their running team. Would they continue her scholarship without the very sport they brought her for? In truth, Ivy League schools have to honor their agreement for education since the sports agreement is not an actual contract but an informal agreement. How much expectation did her coach and teammates have? Whether the pressure to continue was real or only her perception, Maddy agreed to give it another chance.
Maddy's Last Run
On January 17 2014, Maddy ran her last few meters. On top of a nine story parking garage, Maddy left a bag of gifts for her family. From the location of her body, it was concluded that Maddy did not jump off the ledge to her death. She had to have run at full speed up to a low wall and leap over the edge.
The author suggests mental illness. I disagree with her. Neither the author or myself are medically qualified to even begin a diagnosis, even if we had met her during her life. What I see, from the information we have, is a girl who was willing but ill-prepared for the intense competition and pressure of the next level up. A few notes of Maddy's seem to indicate severe over training and stress. This often will lead to complications of depression, insomnia, and becoming under-nourished.
Over training kicks you in a number of ways. Besides heavy fatigue, an early symptom is insomnia. This cripples your training even further. When presented with slower efforts, most athletes (not recognizing over training) dig into their reserves, increasing their training. The body begins to steer toward sugar, simple carbs, caffeine, and alcohol. You actually might not feel like eating a healthy dinner with vegetables. Things begin to spin out of control. Depression quickly comes in like a heavy fog. Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon among heavily fatigued athletes who have fallen deep into Over Training Syndrome, or OTS.
Where Do We Point the Finger?
To be clear, I do not blame her family or friends in any way. It would be very uncommon for someone outside of elite sports to identify the degree of an athlete's depression and its link to her intense training regimen. Many saw her depression. The pressure may not have been anyone's fault. This world's atmosphere of "Win, Win, Win" can do that single-handedly. The 'Win or be nothing' attitude is woven into the very fabric of sport. Coaches are under pressure to insure that their athletes continue to compete, and at the highest levels. To be fair, a lot of athletes need a push after a disappointing race or a lack of progress in their training. Many top athletes will admit that they spoke of quitting at some point in their life.
How can you quit the team? There is social pressure to support your school and team. When you are recruited to a top school as an athlete, it is difficult to turn your back on them. Why didn't anyone say, "Take as much rest as you need"? Nobody recognized how serious her condition was becoming.
A group of British Psychologists found that stress induced depression is "skyrocketing" among elite athletes. some stress potentates were teammates with high expectations, contract and sponsorship obligations, even image related to body image for women and a macho image for male athletes. One writer listed dozens of athletes who had either attempted or committed suicide. Recognizable athletes include Graeme Obree, Kelly Holmes, O.J. Murdock, and a long list of Cricket players. Certainly, some had depression or other mental conditions apart from sports and some athletes commited suicide over family problems, financial problems, even possible depression from brain injuries sustained in football play. The problem is real and dangerous.
We as a society put too much emphasis at being number one, winning the gold medal. The pressure put on teenage gymnasts and ice skaters can be tremendous. It can kill the enjoyment that they have experienced from childhood. National fervor rises to new peaks each year at international championships, especially in the Olympic events. Social media has become a huge influence and exerts a tremendous force behind the lives of young athletes. The desire to stand out, to outperform others, to satisfy the public and to avoid disappointing their fans, family, and friends; Social media is a force as strong as a tidal wave and can leave great destruction in its wake.
The person I perceive as Madison has touched me deeply. Even as I read her story, I kept hoping that the worst would not happen. Like the movement against college hazing a few years ago, I pray we will find ways to help young athletes from becoming the next Maddy Holleran.
Epilogue
A year after Maddy's death, one of her former teammates decided to quit the track team. Toward the end of her letter e-mailed to her teammates, she said, "If there is any positive message iI have taken away from the tragic weekend with Madison, it's that we need to do what makes us happy." In the list of people she addressed was Madison Holleran.
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